First published October 26, 2008
Usually, close friendships are developed between members of the same gender. Communication patterns are generally the same, so there are no huge differences between the two. What happens, however, when your best friend is not the same gender you are? Communication patterns can become hectic, especially when he is more open with his feelings, and she is more withdrawn. In the movie, “When Harry Met Sally”, there are numerous examples of gender communication.
There are quite a few older couples that are shown talking about how they met and how their marriages are doing, but the one that stands out in my mind, was an older Japanese couple. The man is relating how he met his wife. “So, I sneak into her village, hide behind a tree, watch her washing clothes. I think, if I don’t like the way she looks, I don’t marry her. But she look very nice to me. So I said ‘OK,’ to the man. We get married. We married for fifty-five years.” This is a good example of self-disclosure. Adler and Proctor (2007) define self-disclosure as “The process of deliberately revealing information about oneself that is significant and that would not normally be known by others.”
In the next scene, we have Harry and Sally shopping for a present for their friends. They are joking around and having a good time, when Harry’s ex-wife approaches him. She has obviously moved on with another man, and the tension is so bad you could cut it with a knife. Harry’s face goes blank as he sees Helen. “She’s coming right towards me.” After a bit of kibitzing, Helen and Ira leave. “Yeah, I’m perfect. She looked weird didn’t she? She looked really weird, she looked very weird. Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy, really, she must be retaining water.” Even though Helen had walked away, this is a good example of Harry having the last word. In fact, Harry does this throughout the movie quite frequently.
There are major differences between how Harry and Sally talk with each other, and how they talk with their other friends. Harry and his friend Jess are at batting cages, and they are talking about Harry’s relationship with Sally. This is a good example of asking and answering questions. “I don’t understand this relationship.” Jess says. “You enjoy being with her? You find her attractive? And you’re not sleeping with her.” Jess thinks Harry’s not allowing himself to be happy. “Why can’t you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. I never had a relationship with a woman that didn’t involve sex. I feel like I’m growing up.” When a youngster tries to steal Harry’s cage, he acts like a little kid. “Was not! Was too!” Adler and Proctor, (2007) state that questions can be used to make statements, and they can also be used to offer advice.
A high point in Harry and Sally’s relationship is when they meet up in the bookstore, and go out for coffee. This is the first time they really talk about themselves, instead of being annoyed at each other’s annoying qualities. Sally and Harry are both fresh out of their relationships, and they talk to each other about it. Another high point, was when Harry and Sally were shopping for their friends. At least it was before Helen showed up. Harry was laughing and playing with the stuff in the store, and then he and Sally started doing karaoke. They were both laughing and seemingly having a good time. A third high point in their relationship was at the very end of the movie. Harry finally tells Sally that he loves her, and makes a big speech about it. We cut to months later when they are going over how they met and the course of their relationship.
A low point in Harry and Sally’s relationship was when they first met. Minutes into their trip to New York, Harry pulls out a bag of grapes and spits the seeds into the closed window. As the car continues to travel, the two talk about their opposing ideals, very evident that Harry likes to turn everything into a debate. They are both very eager to be done with the trip. Another low point was after Harry makes a big show to Jess and Marie after seeing Helen. Harry storms out of their apartment, followed by Sally. She tries to tell Harry how to act, and Harry won’t have any of it. He turns her ridicule on her, and tells her how she hasn’t moved on from Joe. They let it escalate, but not without having their apologies at the end. A last low point, was after the night that the two spent together. Harry just leaves in the morning, and over the course of a few weeks, Sally and Harry’s relationship begin to crumble. It escalates to the point that Sally and Harry have a huge fight at Jess and Marie’s wedding, resulting in the two not speaking anymore.
“The story ends with a strong sense of hope for cross-sex communication. This is due in part to Harry’s learning to ‘speak a different language.’” (Adler and Proctor 2007) This movie is a classic that will forever convey trans-gender communication. It is not without hope, men and women can learn to communicate
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