Love Conditionally

First published March 6, 2020

Have you ever had to challenge everything you believe in? I have, more than once in my life. When I turned 18, I decided to drop out of college to pursue a life that my parents wanted for me. My decision was made by a combination of not knowing what I really wanted to do with my life, taking a path that I thought was “easier,” and just a dash of fear of standing up to my parents. What this meant was giving up my life to work for the church that I grew up in full time. My parents raised me as a Jehovah’s Witness, and their goals did eventually become my own.

I qualified to be a junior pastor when I was still 18. I also learned Spanish to preach the bible to immigrants and their families. I later even moved to New York City for three years to work at the world headquarters of the church. I had done a lot of things to make my parents proud. More importantly, I had made myself proud. However, despite my original goals, I had moved back home to Wenatchee when I was 25. Soon thereafter, I started realizing that I didn’t really believe in the teachings of the church anymore. I made the decision to formally leave, despite knowing how hard it would be. The process of undoing a belief set that my parents had instilled in me and I reinforced for 25 years was an emotionally exhausting process, not to mention the fact that my entire world was going to be turned upside down when I officially handed in my resignation to the church. Leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses means so much more than just not attending a service on the occasional Sunday. The religion is a way of life, and the members adhere to strict requirements. Leaving meant that my friends and family would all shun me. I was trying my best to prepare for it, emotionally, mentally, physically.

I had been isolating myself from my family, spending every last free moment I had apartment searching. One particular Monday I was laying on my bed, exhausted due to all of the things I had to manage at once. I had been going back to college classes, I was working full time, and in-between moments I was trying to find a new place to live. My phone buzzed. I had received an email stating that I had been accepted to live in an apartment and could move in as soon as I wanted. It was time for me to face the music. I’m not sure why, but on some intuitive level it was like I knew what was about to happen. I walked out of my room towards the family room. I was in a daze. I couldn’t believe what was about to occur was actually going to happen. I sat down on the love seat next to my mom, and my dad turned off the TV.

What followed was simultaneously one of the most vilifying and heartbreaking experiences of my life. My dad began.

“Jordan, how are you?”

I knew that my dad was baiting me, but I rolled with it.

“I’m okay dad. How are you?”

“No really, Jordan, how are you? I think I should give you a hug.”

Yep. My intuition was right. It was time. My dad kept trying to bait me.

“Usually when someone is going through a break-up, that’s kind of a difficult situation. I didn’t even you know liked Stacy.”

My mom started crying. I knew that my parents would learn about my apostasy from someone other than me. I was not expecting that my ex-girlfriend would be the one to deliver the news.

“She told us when she spoke to a few of us pastors something that concerns me… actually has me really frightened. Is there something you want to tell us?”

There was literally no reason to play around. I came right out with it.

“I don’t believe in the teachings of Jehovah’s Witnesses anymore.”

My mom’s sobs were now audible at this point. I so badly wanted to reach out and put my arms around her, but I sat there on my corner of the loveseat with my hands in my lap. Would my love and affection at that moment be perceived as a plea for her not to shun me?

“Why? Why are you turning your back on Jehovah?”

“I’m not turning my back on Jehovah. I’m walking away from a man-made organization.”

I’m trying really hard to remember how the conversation went. There are snippets that I can remember so clearly, but how the conversation flowed is one giant blur. I remember becoming very angry during the middle of our conversation.

“We have put up with your drinking problem for as long as I can remember. We have put up with the ensuing verbal and emotional abuse that it brought on, and even the few times that you got physical with me and Travis.”

“When did I ever…”

“Have you forgotten the time you head bashed me? In your drunken anger you lost your temper, backed me into a corner, and head bashed me.”

Without missing a beat, despite trying to deny he’d ever gotten physical just moments prior, he immediately fired back:

“Which I apologized for immediately.”

“Liar. You NEVER apologized.”

I had lost my composure. When I get emotional I start to cry. Mom put her hand on my lap.

“Greg, we are trying to win his heart.”

Mom, bless that woman, went into that conversation thinking she was going to save me. My dad, on the other hand, treated it like every other interaction I had ever had with him: An arena, a war ground, a battle to be fought and won at all cost. What was his favorite saying? “In the battle of wits, you are unarmed.”

An eerie silence settled in the room. It lasted but a moment.

“So I can assume you’ve spoken with Travis?”

Travis, my brother, had also left the church about six months prior to this interaction. Our family had been shunning him that entire time.

“Yep. The very first thing I did when I realized this was all a lie was text Travis to beg him to forgive me for shunning him.”

Dad hung his head. A silence settled in the room again. This time it lasted longer than a minute. The next thing that my dad spoke about almost set me off again.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner Jordan?”

“Are you kidding me dad? I knew that you guys were going to kick me out when I told you this. I was waiting until I was somewhat prepared.”

“So you used us?”

I don’t remember exactly how the rest of that exchange went. But I find it so incredulous that my dad was offended by me waiting until I was somewhat back on my feet before telling them that I was leaving JW. Because of my heavy involvement in the church, I had no savings, I had no assets, I had no education. I never had a job that was anything more than a dead-end. The irony that I was broke because of the religion that I was now leaving was lost on my dad. I can’t believe, to this day, that my dad got offended because I wanted to have set myself up to be able to survive before I broke the news to them that I was leaving.

“I’m so sorry Jordan. I’m so sorry that I was such a terrible mom.”

Other than my outburst of anger when my dad tried to deny the fact he had ever gotten physical with me, I had been surprisingly pretty level headed throughout this conversation. Hearing the complete defeat in my mom’s voice broke me.

“Mom, stop. Stop saying that. You did your absolute best to teach us what you believe to be true. That’s why this is so important. Don’t you see that I wouldn’t be doing this unless I was absolutely sure?”

The sadness in her voice broke my heart.

“I love you. I wish I could have been the mom you deserved.” And just like that. My parents gave up. The battle had been lost. Mom tried to give me a hug. It felt like that hug lasted for an hour. The only thing I regret about that night is I couldn’t bring myself to hug her back.