Parenting Principles

—

by

Jordan
in

First published November 29, 2019

To my future child.

I will never forget the night that your grandpa sat me down and told me that he and your grandma never wanted to see ever again. I’ll never forget the tears in his eyes as he struggled to maintain his composure. It was almost like he was saying goodbye to his child that had died. When he was finished with his last words, he regained his composure then turned around and walked away as if he had just handled some sort of business transaction, not even glancing over his shoulder for one last look at me. It’s been over a year now, and I still haven’t heard a word from him. I know that my parents love me in their own way, but their love is misguided. It has been hijacked, poisoned, and turned into a weapon against them.

My entire life, I had been raised to believe that I only had value if I were to follow along in the religion in which my they had raised me. I wasn’t allowed to be the person that I wanted to be. I never want that for you. Looking back over the first 25 years of my life, I am reviewing the ways that my parents raised me and I’m trying to make sense of the bad, but also to learn from the good. This is becoming ever more important to me now that I am seriously contemplating the responsibility of being a parent myself. I can never imagine getting to the point that I would ever shun you. I live in fear of becoming the emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive father that mine was.

Now that I have laid my heartbreaks and fears out on the table, I want to make a set of promises that I have for you.

I vow to never make you feel like my love is conditional. (As in, I vow to follow the unconditional parenting method.)

What: The “mainstream” model of parenting is what you see in all of the sitcoms. Conditional parenting is when the parents try to make their children earn their love by acting in a way that the parent deems appropriate. If the child “acts up” the parent might withhold affection, such as forgoing a bedtime ritual of snuggles and a story. (Kohn, 2005, pg 10, 11) A parent may also offer a treat if the child uses the toilet during potty training, or force the child to apologize even if they don’t mean it. My parents used to do these kinds of things with me all of the time. My parents called them “privileges”; all of the things that we liked to do for fun and recreation. The list included playing video games, watching TV, and going to visit friends. All it took was one look from my parents after I had misbehaved and I knew, “Oh man, I’m gonna lose my privileges.”

Because of this method of parenting, I lived in fear of ever telling my parents if I had messed up. One time I asked my dad what he thought about karate, and he lectured me at length that it’s from the devil, and if I ever did karate I would be in big trouble. I learned to lie to him in that moment, because I had participated in a karate class during P.E. that day and didn’t want to lose privileges. This may seem like a small thing, but it compounded into other areas of my life. I feared making my dad upset, because I knew that would mean him withholding affection or punishing me in some way.

Why: I am a big fan of unconditional parenting. Even before I learned about it in ethics class, it just intuitively made sense to me. In the Jehovah’s Witness religion, I was expected to speak and act a certain way or my parents would tell me that god would destroy me. Whenever I would have a tantrum or act in a way my parents disapproved, they would withhold their love from me, often sending me to my room or some other isolated part of the house to be by myself for sometimes hours at a time. The harshest example I can give of my parents using conditional parenting was when I told them I no longer wanted to be part of their religion, and they kicked me out of their house and have been shunning me ever since. Alfie Kohn describes in his book what happens to a child that is on the receiving end of conditional love: “[Children raised by conditional methods] come to disown the parts of themselves that aren’t valued. Eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act (or think or feel) in specific ways. (Kohn, 2005,  pg 20.)

To me, the most beautiful picture of what unconditional parenting looks like is the example that author Alfie Kohn gives at the beginning of chapter one of his book, Unconditional Parenting. His child had a tantrum related to losing the spotlight in the household due to the arrival of a new baby. On this particular night, the child has promised that they will get in the bath immediately after dinner with no issues, but has not followed through. Kohn asks, “Should we still follow through with the bedtime ritual of cuddles and a story?” to which he absolutely affirms. For me in my experience growing up, my parents quite frequently would decide to withhold their affection after a tantrum or an error in judgment on my part.

I vow to let you make your own decisions (commensurate to age and ability), even if I disagree with them.

What: Up until my first day of running start, my parents had made all of my life’s decisions for me. I wasn’t allowed to go with my class in second grade to a trip to the Seattle Science Museum. I wasn’t allowed to play sports in middle or high school. When I got into running start, I had a little bit more autonomy over my day-to-day life, but I still was under my parent’s control for the major decisions.

I think that the first decision I ever made that was truly my own was deciding to go back to college when I was 26. I of course had made some decisions in my life such as, ironically, dropping out of college at 17 to be a full-time missionary for the church. But every decision I made was to keep either the church or my parents happy. When I ponder over what the long-term goals of raising a child should be, there are a lot of different things that come to mind. Alfie Kohn mentions in his book that there are a lot of goals associated with being a parent. You want your child to grow up to become self-reliant but caring, confident yet willing to acknowledge their mistakes. But one of the biggest things that I want for you is for you to be a self-sufficient adult that is capable of making your own decisions.

Why: For me, one of my biggest weaknesses is my inability to make a decision and stick to it. I came to rely on being able to go to my parents and ask them what I should do in any given situation. I found myself doing this until my mid-20s. I feel very strongly that this is because I was never allowed the chance to make decisions while I was growing up in a controlled environment where I could learn about the consequences of my decisions in a safe place. I don’t want you to feel that you have to make every decision exactly the same way that I would. And I really don’t want to see you become an adult that can’t make any decisions for themselves. It is my job as a parent to allow you to grow and become your own person, and support you no matter what you decide to do. I vow to trust that letting you experience the results of bad decisions will be better for you in the long-term than me not allowing you to make decisions. I vow to be there to support you no matter what.

I vow to take you traveling, to see the world and meet people from all cultures, instead of just limiting you to one small neighborhood.

What: The world that we live in is a beautiful, wonderful place. It is really easy to become stuck in our ways when we have never been exposed to life outside of our little bubble. My parents didn’t believe in the value of travel at all. The furthest I ever went as a child was to visit your great-grandparents in Montana, just a six hour drive away. I tried to make plans to go to Nicaragua for two months in 2012 to work for the church down there, and my parents completely shot down the idea. (This is ironic because my dad would live in Hawaii for months at a time in his younger years.) I believe that travel is critical to understanding the world we live in and the people that inhabit it.

Why: Classroom learning has been traditionally used as the “gold standard” for education. But, as the adage goes, “You learn by doing.” I spent a month or so learning the countries and their capitals of South America when I was in sophomore Spanish. I think it would have been much more interesting to have actually visited La Paz, Bolivia and experienced the culture rather than read about it in a book! In 1984, David Kolb developed a model of learning he called “the experiential model.” His model shows that concrete experiences lead to reflective observation, which leads to abstract conceptualization, then active experimentation which leads right back to concrete experiences. (Stone, M. 2013, par. 7.) This model provides a basis to understand the educational benefits of travel. Basically, going and doing helps you to reflect and think abstractly about the world, which makes you want to keep doing it over and over again. How much hatred and bigotry could be alleviated by simply having gone and explored people and places from different cultures? I vow to expose you to as much of the world as I can.

I vow to endeavor to instill in you a deep love for learning and a curiosity about the world, instead of praising you for “being smart.”

What: When I was in elementary school, I was one of the star pupils. I absorbed any and all of the information that the teachers threw at me like it was nothing. I was constantly wanting more. Then when I got to middle school, I started to slow down. By the time I reached high school, I actively loathed being at school and was not even afraid to admit it directly to the teachers. When I was 16, I got into running start and the very first class I took was an intro to economics class. In that class, I discovered the key ingredient that had been missing from my entire career in public education: a love for the material that I was learning. Up until that point, I was only learning things because that’s what the teacher told me to do, and their positive reactions to my academic success were the reward I needed to keep going. But when I finally had autonomy over my education, it took on new meaning and new life for me.

Why: I believe that praise when improperly used becomes the thing that a child seeks from his parents and teachers, instead of the natural positive effects of learning. “Our work shows that praising a child’s intelligence makes a child fragile and defensive.” (Dweck, C, 2007, pg. 40.) I learned to do well in school because it made my teachers happy. I would hear them conversing among themselves about how smart I was. It also made my parents happy to bring home top marks.

I vow to educate you about sex and sexuality, instead of trying to shame you about your body.

What: Sex is a major aspect of life as a human. It as basic of a need to us as eating and breathing is. Even so, a lot of western culture (which is steeped in Judeo-Christian beliefs) would rather sex be treated as something that shouldn’t be spoken about. Children are bombarded with sex in the media, while at the same time parents are made to feel awkward and uncomfortable talking to their children about healthy views of sexuality.

Why: I grew up in a religion that was obsessed with the sexual behavior of their members. My mom sat me down when I was six or seven years old to read information out of a little pink book that talked about the evils of masturbation. That book said it would “make me gay” and a whole host of other “problems.” Almost every week at the meetings we would hear information about the so-called “dangers” of masturbation, per-marital sex, pornography, and homosexuality. I was never allowed to explore my sexuality, and in turn it made me a very frustrated person.

In 2013, a university-community study was done to find out how much parents value sexual education for their children. Western culture has dictated that parents should never broach the topic of sex with their children. However, this study found that parents are overwhelmingly beginning to see sex education as a vital part of teaching their children. “We assume that parents don’t want to talk about sex, but in reality this isn’t the case… The perspective that has emerged is one in which we view parents as critical stakeholders and partners in the work of facilitating young people’s sexual literacy development… we hope to disrupt the predominant national rhetoric that casts parents in the U.S. as conservative gatekeepers when it comes to young people’s access to the knowledges that reflect the broad spectrum of human sexuality.” (Horn, Stacey, 2013, par. 8.) I feel very strongly that I want to be one of the people that you trust the most in life. I want you to be able to come to me to talk about anything and everything on your mind, including sex. I don’t want you to have the perverted view that I received from my parents, that being a human with sexual desires made me evil.

I vow to never lie to you, even “white lies”.

What: Traditionally, a person might think of telling a child about Santa or the Easter Bunny to be the only lies that parents tell their children. But there is actually a parenting practice where the parents lie to try and get their child to do what they want to. I think of a scene from the TV show, How I Met Your Mother, where the main character realizes that his mother had gotten him to dislike bacon by telling him that he was allergic to it, (as well as donuts, Halloween candy, and not saying thank-you.)

I think back to my own childhood, and the lies that my parents told me to get me to conform. There was a long list of things that I wasn’t allowed to do because “it would make Jehovah sad.” I couldn’t play most video games because the demons would haunt our house if I did. I couldn’t have friends at school because they didn’t love Jehovah.

Why: Peipei Setoh did a study that was published in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology that discussed the negative effects of parental lying. They found that the children grow into adults who repeat their parents’ behavior, had higher levels of maladjustment, and had a hard time dealing with problems in life. (Setoh, Peipei, 2020, par. 27.)

It sounds obvious that parents shouldn’t lie to their children. It bares mentioning that the examples I cited above how my parents lied to me weren’t conscious lies (as in, they themselves didn’t realize that they’re lies.) But I can think of other examples of my parents lying. My dad would take us out of class sometimes when the teacher was going to talk on a subject he didn’t want us to hear. I remember him telling the teachers that we were going to spend the day as a family instead. My parents struggled financially during the majority of my childhood. Instead of honestly explaining to us why money was tight, they lied to us and told us that everything was okay. My dad struggles with alcohol abuse, but he hides it from his employer and the church elders so that he doesn’t get in trouble.

Through this behavior, I too learned that it was okay to lie if it meant that I wouldn’t get in trouble. I learned to lie about slipping up on the church’s rules, such as sharing in a birthday or holiday party. I learned to never admit my mistakes. I learned that I could do whatever I wanted to, so long as my parents never found out. To this day, I still struggle with being 100% honest with the people around me at all times.

I vow to never make you say you love someone that you don’t, or hug/kiss someone that you don’t want to.

What: I see this every now and again when a child is introduced to some family member and forced to hug or kiss them. They’re forced to say, “I love you” and be physically affectionate simply on the merit of being the child’s aunt, uncle, grandparent, or some other familial relationship.

Why: One of my mom’s aunts married a man that we later found out was a pedophile. He always made me feel awkward whenever I was forced to be around him. When it was discovered who he was, my horrified parents vowed to never let me spend another second with him. Children are smart, smarter than we want to give them credit sometimes. They can pick up on subtleties about people and situations in ways that sometimes not even adults can. So if there is any reason why a child doesn’t want to physically interact with a person, I think that should be respected. Bodily autonomy and consent is something that I feel is very important to teach children.

I vow to expose you to an array of personal beliefs and values, instead of trying to enforce mine onto you. (Explore various religions, philosophies, etc.)

What: Spirituality is one area of my life that I am completely illiterate in. I was raised in a religion that so staunchly believed itself to be “The Truth” that we were not allowed any sort of interaction with any other belief system. It was outlawed to read any information on any other religions. It was actively discouraged to study philosophy in any form. (I even got into trouble once when my parents discovered we read part of Plato in my freshman English class.) This relates to my point about travel, but I really believe that there is merit in learning about as many philosophies about life as we can.

Why: Despite the fact that there are thousands of religions and life philosophies, western culture has a strong Judeo-Christian influence. I grew up thinking that the only personal beliefs and values that matter are the ones based on Christianity. I am beginning to learn that it can actually be harmful to enforce one specific way of believing on another person. A 2009 study done by Bart Duriez examined over 400 parent-child relationships to determine how religiosity affects family functioning. The conclusion of the study was that religious parents are more inclined to place an emphasis on obedience and conformity, rather than promote openness and exploration. (Duriez, B. 2009, pg 1303.) I already discussed how I refuse to use conditional parenting in my life. Religious conformity, by its definition, doesn’t allow thinking outside of the confines of the church’s beliefs. I want to instill in you a desire to be open-minded.

When it comes to spirituality, I don’t have an absolute answer for life’s biggest questions. Why do we exist? What is our purpose? Why is there suffering in life? But I feel very strongly that forcing you to conform to a system of beliefs is not the way to help either of us find answers to those questions that are satisfying. I vow to you that we will explore those questions together.

I vow to help you become, not just an intellectually intelligent person, but an emotionally and spiritually intelligent person too.

What: I used to appreciate intelligence over everything else. I wanted to rationalize my way through everything. I never learned to stop and to feel what I was feeling. At times my dad even would tell me that my emotions were “wrong” to get me to conform to whatever standard he had set for me. We would mock the men of our family if they were ever caught having an emotional moment. I remember my grandpa crying over Monsters Inc. Being able to slow down time and understand why you feel a certain way, to put those feelings into words and gaining power over your emotions is a skill I am still working to develop.

The concept of spirituality was warped to me growing up. It was linked to merely doing what the religion that I grew up in wanted me to do. But true spirituality has to do more with being aware of the bigger picture. The world that we live in is complex and full of other human beings equally as important and complex as we are. The universe is limitless. There is so much more to our lives than just our four walls.

Why: I’m coming to learn that emotional control was actually a tool that the religion I grew up in used to keep me in line. I was always supposed to be happy. Sadness, anger, frustration, or other negative feelings meant spiritual weakness in the church. However, this is both unrealistic and potentially dangerous. “Some preliminary findings suggest that lower emotional intelligence is related to involvement in self-destructive behaviours such as deviant behaviour and cigarette smoking, whereas higher EI is related to positive outcomes such as prosocial behaviour, parental warmth, and positive peer and family relations.” (Brackett, M. A., 2003, pg. 1387.) I want you to feel that it’s okay to have emotions and to express them. I want you to come talk to me not just when you’re feeling happy but also sad or angry.

I want you to feel free to explore all beliefs. I want you to feel safe telling me that maybe you don’t agree with me on how I look at the world.

I vow to never allow anything (work, school, personal commitments) to come between you and me.

What: I cannot count the number of times that my dad was never available for me. One of my earliest memories was being left after kindergarten because dad forgot to come pick me up. I waited in the teacher’s lounge for three hours before dad finally came to get me. He was too busy at work that day. There were countless Friday and Saturday nights where he was gone doing work for the church, and Sundays were always dedicated for someone else that wasn’t me. Mom was also emotionally distant. She struggles with depression and self-medicates with her TV shows. There were far too many times that I needed the support of my parents, and they were never there for me.

Why: Children need love, attention, security, and reliability. In my community psychology class we talk about how a lot of psychological issues are caused by unhealthy attachment. Whether it’s neglect or abuse on one end of the spectrum, to being an overbearing and authoritarian parent on the other end, children raised this way go on to have problems growing into healthy, functioning adults.

I do not take the decision to have kids lightly. I’m given to understand that the strongest bond that a human can have is with their child. I want to make that decision only when I know that I can provide you the best life that you deserve. I hope that putting to paper some of the principles that I want to follow will help me be the best parent that I can be.

With all my heart.

Papi Chulo

Works Cited

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